List of Name-Calling Expletives

Warning: NSFW!

Here are some hilariously funny but rather offensive expletive names to call people who insult you. Why settle for the norm? Responding with "a$$hole" or "jerk" is just boring. You are more likely to gain respect if you respond with something the attacker has never heard before! Any of these will do.

ass goblin
cum bubble
Fuck nut
fuck ball
schmuck
Shit pisser
stank face
shaft sock
blowhole
fuckwit
douchewaffle
vomit fondler
jerk tard
ebola pussy
putzy shit sample
thunder cunt
useless moron
cum knob
queef master
shit sprayer
shit stack
Cum Guzzeler
pathetic parasite
chicken shit
turd licker
fuck stain
shit brick
pap smear
degenerate
cock smoker
cunt sack
useless loser
man whore
moose cock
fuck stick
Bowl of ass soup
douche tard
jizz bucket
ass maggot
ass clown
butt moocher
douche sucker
vaginal bloodfart
piece of cum cake
hose monster
cunt bag
scrotum breath
cum shot
shit licker
sperm dumpster
brainless waste of space

Insults/Comebacks of the Day

I have five of them! They are new! Where do I get these from? I hear them, read them, experience them from my personal encounters with A-holes and write them down as I go!

- This is why the world will never be a beautiful place because if little pieces of shits like you continue to live in this world
- You're a disgusting vomit-inducing douche bag
- You're a waste of space
- You're the definition of scum
- Thank you, I appreciate you acting like a five year old.

Really Brutal Insults

This is a list of some very raunchy comebacks and insults.  NOTE: This list is NSFW and should be used with  extreme caution as many of these are obnoxiously cruel. But let's face it - sometimes you need to fight fire with fire. When you're under attack from a world class a$$hole then any one of these zingers should shut them up pretty quickly. If one doesn't work, then have a few ready for back up!

Looks like you suffered from fetal alcohol syndrome

Go fuck a landmine

A douche of your magnitude could cleanse the vagina of a whale

Go headbutt a bullet

Go play on the freeway

Isn't there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?

Your face looks like someone tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver

Go play hackey sack with a grenade

Go deepthroat a cactus

I don't have the time or the crayons to explain it to you

You think you're hot shit but you're really just cold diarrhea

If you want my comeback, you're gonna have to wipe it off your mom's face

Have you ever considered suing your mother for drinking while she was pregnant with you

You're not half the man your mother is.

You have the intelligence of a stillborn fetus

It must be difficult for you, exhausting your entire vocabulary in one sentence

Why don’t you go outside and play a game of hide and go fuck yourself

You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum kit

Hey- why don't you give me your phone number and I will call you when I give a shit

Does your penis ever get jealous of you being a total dick

You're not worth the money it would have cost to abort you

I wish you would climb up your ego and jump off onto your IQ

Whoever's willing to fuck you is just too lazy to jerk off

Did you fall from Heaven? Because it looks like you hit the ground face-first

Your birth certificate is an apology from the abortion clinic
.
If I wanted any lip from you I'd pry it off my dick

I'd tell you to go eat a dick, but I don't want to tell you how to do your job

Your mother should have just swallowed you

Your father should have put it in her butt

Your father should have just gone to sleep that night

10 Very Funny Insult/Comeback Memes

20 Hilarious Insult and Comeback Memes

Comebacks Insults - Being Called "FAT"

Sometimes idiots can't think of good insults and have to resort to the most un-creative obvious thing in the world to insult you. They say "Hey Fatty" or call you fat, etc. It's the only thing the can come up with because their brains are so small. Don't take it personally. You are beautiful and they have some serious problems. I have compiled a list of comebacks to being called FAT.

Calling me fat doesn't make you any smarter.
I may be fat but you're an idiot and while I can lose the weight you'll never stop being stupid. 
The amount of intellectual greatness in your comment is truly down to a minimum. 
"Fat" ... Are you 12? 
Fat is changeable. Ugly is permanent.
Thanks for the compliment What time does your mom pick you up from daycare?
Grow up and go draw in a coloring book.
That would hurt me if I actually cared about your opinion. 
I can loose weight for free but it'll cost 10 grand to fix your face
I can lose weight anytime but you need a full a lobotomy to fix your stupidity. 
I'm sorry. What'd you say? I didn't hear you under all that bitch
The only reason I'm fat, is because every time I bang your mom, she feeds me cookies.
If calling me fat can help you feel better about your pathetic life then go ahead. Glad I could help!
You mad? You seem really mad. You OK?
Your ugly it's a lot cheaper for me to lose the weight then it is for you to have plastic surgery
Well, you look like α cross between me & your mom
Don't worry little piggy! You'll grow up someday fatter than me! 
Calling me fat won't make your dick any bigger
Someone had to make you feel better about being so ugly. So I got fat.
Yeah, I like to eat, not puke.
oops let me move the mirror for you
Insulting me won't make you any less stupid
Thanks. I was trying to look like you
So ..you missed your eye exam again?
And yet, for some reason, you are still jealous!
Why don't you pick on someone your own size like that pole over there?

Quotes About A-Holes

Here are some of my favorite quotes about Assholes!

"I have found the key to happiness: stay away from assholes"

"Keep calm..and ignore the assholes"

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, make sure that you are not, in face, just surrounded by assholes"

"Assholes.. we all have one and we all know one"

"Admitting you're an asshole is the first step"

"When men stop being assholes, I'll stop being a bitch"

"I'm on the 'I don't give a crap' diet..I've already lost ten assholes"

"What do you make when life gives you assholes?"

"Women are crazy because men are assholes"

"Could you go away please? I'm allergic to assholes"

"I'm surrounded by assholes.. big hairy assholes"

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

"Be yourself, unless you're an asshole, then be someone else"

"Sorry but 'Dealing With Asshole' day is scheduled for the 10th of never"

"Life is too short to deal with assholes"

"Everyone has an asshole friend. If you don't have one, you're the asshole"

"Hello 911? Please help I'm surrounded by assholes..no I'm not in any danger, but they might be"

"If we could charge people for being assholes, the nations debt would be paid off"

"So many assholes and so few bullets"

"If you're gonna keep chasing assholes, don't be surprised when you end up with shit"

"Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and some are bigger than others"

10 Funny Insult Memes

A Huge List of Insults and Comebacks

I decided, for my own sake that I would like to have all of my insults/comebacks on my blog in one place. Some of these have been recycled. Some are new ones I made up on my own. But either way, I wanted to have a post that included my entire database of these powerful zingers.

Don't talk about yourself so much ... we'll do that when you leave

The reason you'd even call me that, tells me that you're ignorant, un-classy, and illiterate

I have way more important things to do than thinking about what you have to say to me.

You're not human, you're a black hole that sucks the life out of people, and I'm done with you.

I don't treat people the way you do, because I know that giving insults to people, and showing no class, shows how much of a person you really are, and how worthless you are of anyone's time.

I would insult you back but Mother Natures has already done such a fine job, I just couldn't compete.

I'm a lot better than what you have to look at in the mirror every morning

I thought I said goodbye to you this morning when I flushed the toilet

Funny you should call me an ugly bitch, your daddy likes to call me princess and other beautiful names, while he is dry humping my leg

I love it when you call me by your mom's name... Turns me on.

If you're trying to improve the world, you should start with yourself. Nothing needs more help than you do

I could eat a whole bowl of alphabet soup, shit it out, and have something better than u just said.

Shut up, I'm not your mirror

Behind every bitch there's a man who made her that way! 

Look who's talking about themselves again 

See ya and take care.. and by see ya I mean go fuck yourself and by take care I mean go fuck yourself.

People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.

You're spreading rumors about me? At least you found a hobby spreading something other than your legs.

the fact that jellyfish survived for 650 million years with no brains is good news for stupid people like you

Zombies are looking for brains. Don't worry. You're safe.

Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breath. I think you own it an apology

Well..fuck you very much

If you spoke your mind, you would be speechless

i would tell you to eat trash but that’s cannibalism

''ha-ha you failed '' "yeah so did your dads condom"

"You're gay" - "At least I'm not a homophobe"

"youre gay" - "I guess you would know better since you were biting the pillow last night"

I can fix my ugliness with plastic surgery but you on the other hand will stay stupid forever

Acting like a dick won't make yours any bigger

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I wotld have farted

"suck my dick" -  "i would but my mom always told me not to put small things in my mouth"

"Bitch"
"Call me a b*tch again i dare you"
"Bitch"
"That's right b*tches do what their told"

"FAIL!" - "no one asked you for your life story."

Roses are red. Violets are blue. God made us beautiful. What the f*ck happened to you?

You remind me of a penny, two faced and f*cking worthless!

"your ugly" - "and your living proof that abortion should be legal"

Keep rolling your eyes. Who knows, maybe you'll find a brain back there.

I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one.

I've met some pricks in my time but you my friend, are the f*cking cactus

"Why do you even wear a bra? You have nothing to put it in."
"You wear pants, don't you?"

Someone gives you the middle finger*  - "i have one of those too except i use it on your mom!"

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

In what chapter do you shut the f*ck up?

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.

I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

You're just mad because Miley Cyrus has a longer Dick than you do

I'm sorry what'd you say? I have an ear disease called I don't care.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I cant stick my head that far up my ass.

If the "you are what you eat" saying is true, then you must be a dick.

I'm sorry I didn't get that.. I don't speak idiot

If you're going to be two faced, at least make on of them pretty

I'd slap you, but that would be animal abuse

If you're gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you're just an ass. 

Out of millions of sperm, you were the fastest?

Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology. 

Hey, Rainman called. He wants his social skills back 

I like you, you remind me of how it feels after I drop a huge deuce in the toilet

Someone got up on the wrong side of the cage this morning

You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one.

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I could say nice things about you, but I would rather tell the truth.

I know I’m talking like an idiot. I have to, other wise you wouldn't understand me.

"You're ugly" - "thanks I was trying to look more like you today"

I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.

I've been called worse things by better people.

I wish we could be better strangers.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who care what you think, and people like me.

You're so dumb, your brain cell died of loneliness

Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege

Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

You're not stupid, your just possessed by a retarded ghost

You shouldn't let your mind wander..its way to small to be out on its own

I don't know what makes you so dumb, but its working

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade

Roses Are Red Violets Are Blue, I got 5 Fingers The Middle One Is For You 

You should put the diaper on your mouth, that's where the craps comin' out.

"You're ugly." "You say that because the standards of beauty on your planet are far different from the ones on Earth."

If someone says f*** u say how hard and walk away. works every time!

Sometimes I wonder if your butt is jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth.

Wow that was a low blow! Speaking of low blows how's your mother

Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything

If you’re waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch. It’s gonna be a while 

You would be much more likable if it wasn’t for that hole in your mouth that noise comes out of. 

I'm fat because every time I did your mom she gave me a cookie

If you got a problem, take it up with my ass because that the only thing that give a crap

You should wear a condom on your head because if you're going act like a dick, you might as well dress like one

I'm sorry, talking with you sounds about as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns

Why don't you go outside and play hide and go f*ck yourself

I can't seem to find my dick.. mind if I look you your mothers mouth

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits as I will not take advantage of the handicapp

If ignorance it bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth

you must have a large brain to hold all that ignorance

Some babies were dropped on their heads but clearly you were thrown at the wall

Could you go away please, I'm allergic to douchebags

I had this awesome dream where you just shut th efuck up for once and it was amazing. Felt like I as in OZ

Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a role or your taking shit from some asshole

There is a fine line between sarcasm or just being an asshole

If I wanted to be a bitch, all I would need to do is act like you

If you're going to act like a turd, go lie in the yard

Why do you keep coming back to me? You're like herpes

What died on your neck? Oh, it's your head

Why don't you shut up and give that hole in your face a chance to heal

If you had any intelligence to question I would have questioned it already.

I wish I had a lower I.Q,  maybe then I could enjoy your company.

My mother is more of a man then you..and she's a woman

I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I can't hear you over the ugly of your face. 

I don't have the time or energy to sink to your level; you have a nice day though.

I would answer you back but life is too short, just like your d*ck

Mirrors don't lie. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either.

Were you always this stupid or did you take lessons
So are you an asshole by choice or were you born that way?

10 Hilariously Funny Insult and Comeback Memes